Running Away :: The Hardest Holiday & My Heart

A day away with all of my favorite things.  The only thing missing is my little cat.

A temporary escape with my essentials – Biossance Probiotic Gel Moisturizer & Biossance Vitamin C Rose Oil (the gift that keeps on giving, code “lovebiossance” for 15% off!).  I don’t leave home without them.  The perfect gift for Mother’s Day, or in my case Women’s Day, and everyday.

A day away, but to be honest with you, it feels more like running away.  I guess I’m running away from the month of May.

I don’t really celebrate holidays.  Actually, most of the time I either forget or actively try to avoid them.  For most of my adolescence and adulthood, two occasions hit me the hardest.  Christmas and Mother’s Day.  The hardest is Mother’s Day.  I try not to think about it when it comes around.  I know it’s in May, but my subconscious mind tries to bury the actual day.  I currently don’t have a relationship with my biological mother and have a very casual relationship with my foster mother (and by casual I mean I’ve had maybe three conversations with her since I emancipated from the foster care system).  The other week I was rejected from a project that I was very excited about.  I was pitched as a photographer for a campaign shoot and was so excited for the challenge.  Knowing that my portfolio consists of more self-directed work, I knew there was a high probability that I wouldn’t get the job.  Nevertheless, the rejection hit me hard.  I love the creative process and love being behind the camera, and ultimately knew that I needed to work harder to build my portfolio (will talk about this at a later time).  When I got the news, I looked blankly at my phone.  I think what was more painful than the actual rejection was the realization that I didn’t have a mom to call.  I guess I always liked the idea of calling mom in times of heartache.  So I stared at my phone some more, and after a few minutes played a game with myself called ‘What Would a Mom Say’.  I played the imaginary conversation and heard an imaginary voice…  Don’t give up honey.  Work on your craft.  Work smarter and harder.  I believe in you.  That’s what moms usually say right?  And even in my imaginary phone call, it ended with I love you.  I broke down.

Mother’s Day is also hard on Colin.  His mother died of cancer when he was 8 years old.  He was very close to his mom, and to this day, I can feel the heaviness in his voice when he talks about her.  And the other man in my life… my little cat.  He was abandoned at 6 months and about to be euthanized due to a respiratory problem.  The broken pieces in our heart somehow found each other and connected us together as a family.

I’m extremely grateful that Biossance encouraged me to write this post.  Earlier this year when we talked about Mother’s Day, I told them that I had a non-traditional relationship with this holiday.  I thought they would be disappointed, but instead they showed incredible empathy and encouraged me to share.  Last week, Colin joked and asked Sammie, my cat… what are you getting mommie for Mother’s Day?  That thought filled my heart.  Maybe one day I will have the privilege of being a mother.  But for now and actually for the last few years, the connection with the term mother/motherhood blossomed into women/womanhood.  To have the honor of being surrounded by strong women who inspire me deeply.  And at the root of it, women who are unapologetically fearless, who love to share and serve, and who support beauty on the inside and out.

To all the women out there… soon to be mothers, women who do not have mothers, women’s mothers who have passed, mothers to two-legged little humans, mothers to four-legged long companions… Happy Mother’s (whatever the word Mother means to you) Day.  I wish you endless happiness and love today and forever.

from Wendy’s Lookbookhttp://www.wendyslookbook.com/2017/05/running-away-the-hardest-holiday-my-heart/
from Tumblr https://jamikaheffner.tumblr.com/post/160433612024

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